#26: How To Control Fear And Use It To Your Advantage
Episode Shownotes
What’s your fear holding you back from?
Or put another way—what is possible for you beyond fear?
I was confronted with this lesson when I was learning to ride a motorcycle in Costa Rica. Faced with situations I could have died in, dangerous roads, and all the ‘what if’s’ that could have plagued my thoughts, I embraced the power of moving through fear; and want to share how you can build the same confidence to move through your own fears.
In this episode I discuss my top three practices used to control fear, and expand what is possible to achieve. Through meditation, breathwork, and journaling I uncovered how to distinguish between real and imagined fear, and the relationship between fear and confidence.
Let my hard learnt lessons be your inspiration to use these accessible and often free tools to move through and overcome your fears.
“Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.” — Japanese Proverb
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Episode Transcript
Emily Peilan: Fear is only as deep as the mind allows. Japanese proverb.
Hello. Hello my loves and welcome back to another episode. I am quite excited about this one. We dive in a little bit more into my motorcycle story and primarily around this idea of fear overcoming fear and how. Really let you use it to develop your confidence, and I will be sharing my story. What came up for me as I learned how to ride a motorbike for the first time in Costa Rica and I felt a lot of fear every day.
Every time I got onto the bike, I felt fear and I thought what was really interesting was I was able to control that, overcome that quite quickly. and I wanted to share some of my main, my top three practices I use to, to control fear, whether that's motorcycling or just in life in general. These three practices really helped me across all my life actually.
And I think because I practice them on an almost daily basis when it came to something like riding a motorcycle. Any real prior experience, I was able to identify the fear, calm my nervous system down, and, and really get myself to a place in my mind where I could then conquer, tackle this, this mission in front of me.
And I'd also love to just explore a little bit this idea of like, is this a real. Or is this an imagine fear and where fear really stems from? So, yeah, let's get into it. Let me give you a quick backstory on the whole motorcycle situation. I. Landon Costa Rica and I knew I wanted a mode of transport. I was looking for vespers.
I have scooters because I have one in Lisbon myself, and I'm very familiar with how to ride a scooter. But when it comes to motorcycles very much less so because. There's gear changes. You actually need a motorcycle license to ride a motorcycle to rent one out. Even I try to inquire at a few rental places and they all require you to have a license, obviously on top of that, they were really expensive for rentals and so I kind of sought out my. Sketchy way of going about this and messaged some people on Facebook marketplace and basically was just looking for motorcycles, like kind of really small motorcycles, like one 50 cc max, two 50 cc, you know, that were available for sale.
And my thought process was either I buy it from them and then they buy it back from me at the end, or just to save paperwork and whatnot. I just rent it from. For X amount and pay an extra deposit or something. And at the end they just give me back that amount. So that was kind of how I got my hands on.
A I didn't realize it at the time, but an illegal motorcycle, . And and I really just took that leap of faith. I was also quite desperate because I wanted, I needed to get out of, or I wanted to get out of the city, San Jose asap. . And so yeah, took a, took an Uber to this little village. And on the way there, I binge watched, I think like five or seven YouTube videos on how to ride a motorcycle because I didn't know how to ride a motorcycle and I was on my way to get one and be expected to ride.
Without, without a hitch, without falling. So that was exciting. And to give you some pre-frame on my experience with motorcycles 10 years ago, so 10 years before now. My first boyfriend, he taught me how to ride a motorcycle. He had a Kawasaki Ninja and it was Beast Ride, and it was, I just couldn't believe he, he was trusting me and he taught me how to ride, and I was basically able to go straight and make a few turns here and there, but I was quite scared of it because it was so big and I just remember feeling like, oh my God.
Like if something, Leapt out at me or something. I don't know if I could swerve, you know, in time or, or have the control over it. And I just felt like with that bike, with my mindset also back in my, you know, like 19, 20 years old, you know, you're a little bit reckless. You're a little bit arrogant as well, and I was like, yeah, I've got this, I've got the hang of this, you know, and I took it out onto the open roads and there was this one cat that just came outta nowhere, freaked me out, and I swerved.
And that sudden movement, I didn't have control, like when something like that happened, I didn't have the control to slow down and coordinate safely. And so because of that, I fell and actually, Pretty badly hurt myself. Also scratched the motorcycle and one of the clutch break things came off and the mirror also came off.
So it was a pretty bad crash. And I was so shaken from that, like so scared that from that day forward I swore to myself I would never go on a motorcycle. I would only be a passenger. I would never ride one because I'd fucking kill myself. That was my thought. And so that fear, that remembrance, that kind of like you could say, trauma, it was still in my body.
And every time, you know, the thought of being on a motorcycle, it just brought me back to that moment like, fuck, if we hop on a motorcycle, we will fucking die. Right? And so that was the reason why I felt super hesitant to get a motorcycle in Costa Rica. But in the end, I really had no other choice. It was either dirt bikes, motorcycles.
That was it. There was, they just, vespas don't really exist in cost. So yeah, I faced my fears and I was like, okay, I'm gonna do this, but I'm gonna get a smaller bike, so one 50 cc and I felt like I could handle the weight of a smaller bike. I would have more control a little bit more power over it as well.
And . Yeah. So my first, I got there and my first trip ever was a four and a half hour ride through torrential rainstorm, up a freaking high mountain with so many potholes, so many gravel roads. And honestly, I am still surprised that I had the guts to do, do this. And I suppose there was no other way for me.
Right. And I had. Control my mind. I had to control that fear and overcome it. Otherwise I would be stuck in San Jose. I dunno, either that or a really shitty long bus ride, which I really didn't fancy him. And every time I got on the motorcycle, I felt fear every single time, every single day. But over the course of, you know, two.
It got less and less every single time. So really the more you do something, the more evidence you have that proves that this is not so dangerous that you have, you've got yourself right. And just in, just during my really long motorcycle rides, usually like three to six hours long, I had so much time to think about fear to think about, yeah, just.
How we overcome fear, where fear comes from. You know, why we feel so much fear and are our fear is even real and what holds some people back from doing things that they really want to do while other people are like jumping off fucking planes with parachutes and things like that. Right. So really got me thinking about fear and here are just a few thoughts I wrote down in my journal.
So you have power when you have control, when you're being reckless and going faster, then you can break or control. Then you lose power even if you're going faster. So power is not about how much you have and with a motorcycle example, it's not about how big the engine is or you know how fast it goes.
It's about how much control you. Of over the bikes, over the situation or over the outcome. And sometimes you need something of great power or something that's very powerful to teach you how to wield that power. And for me, that was definitely the motorcycle. And like, sure, some people might laugh and be like, but Emily, it was only one 50 cc.
And I was like, well, still. For me it was, it was powerful. It was outside my comfort. It went fast. And it had the power to, to also kill me if I misused it or if I let my fear overcome me, like it very much could have killed me. And there were actually quite a few times where I could have died. I'm not joking and purely cause of my ability to control my fear in a very sketchy situ.
I did not die and I sought help and I stayed calm and I found a way out of it. And so I wanted to share the three practices that I use to control my fear. And the first one is meditating before any big journey of mine. So before any rides that were upwards of an hour, I would. Meditate and just be very quiet and notice what comes up for me what kind of fear, what thoughts and just being with myself, just getting my mind to that state of calm.
And then number two, consequently with meditation is breath work. The, the way you breathe actually has a. Visceral physical effect on your body. So like the way you breathe can actually determine then how you feel and how you think. And so I have been lucky enough to have learned some really useful breathwork techniques over the years and being able to calm my nervous system down and get to that place of.
Because oftentimes my hands, my entire body would be trembling. Like I'd look at my hands and they'd be just trembling with fear. And as I practice, you know, my breath work and my meditation, by the end of it, I'm like super calm. So it works and it's hard to, it's hard to kind of share the breath work that I do.
One of the things you can try is just breathing through your nose. What really helps me is breathing through my nose and expanding into my belly first, so not breathing into my lungs, because when you breathe into your lungs, it actually activates that kind of fight or flight mode, so you kind of get more agitated and more stressed.
But when, when you breathe into your belly first and expand to that, and then your lungs, And do really long, slow breaths. Like I take sometimes 10 to 15 seconds with 20 seconds even to just breathe in. And then I hold it for about 10 to 15 seconds before I slowly breathe that all back out like lungs, like the air escapes my lungs first, and then lastly my belly, right?
And, and I all ex exhale that for sometimes even 30 seconds. And the longer. You can inhale, hold, and exhale. You'll be amazed at what that does for your body. So definitely look into breath work. There are so many different techniques for so variety of reasons. I also use breath work to help oxygenate my body before I'm doing like, you know, underwater scuba free diving as.
So yeah, that, I hope you find that helpful. The third one is journaling. I don't always journal. Sometimes I'll just kind of, you know, write something on my phone or just kind of think about it and then journal later. But journaling is something that really helps us. Well, if it's just, if I have a lot of fears or that I have a lot of thoughts that are causing me stress and anxiety, I will just jot them down and I usually do.
After I meditate just to kind of finalize, like getting all of the, all of the thoughts that are plaguing me onto paper, and then that just like completely rounds off and just like leaves my body, right. And usually after that I feel very light. I feel like just clean and in cleansed and ready to, to.
The adventure, tackle the mission. And one of the questions I ask myself that's quite, that's quite like, helpful as well. It's like, is this fear real? And by that I mean like, is this like life or death kind of situation or is this more of an imagined fear? And coming back to this beautiful quote which is a Japanese proverb, it's like, fear is only as deep as the mind.
Us and just like letting that sink in. You're like, really? It? So much of our fear is just our own minds. Just over, just over exaggerating it, you know, over dramatizing it. It's, it's not even real. We just think it's so real that we make it real. Right? And so obviously if you are about to get eaten by line or something like that is a very real fear.
So much of our, like, our fight or flight mode is just activated by fake fear. And so just being, just, just having that clarity, seeing reality as is like this is not a real fear. This is an imagined fear. And because it is an imagined fear, I have the power to lessen that, to control it, to overcome it.
Right. And that gives you a lot of confidence, I think, as. . And also speaking on this idea of confidence. Like confidence comes from fear and overcoming it. So also, if you didn't have fear, then you have nothing to conquer, then you have nothing to overcome and you have nothing for confidence to stem from.
And so in a way, it's actually fear is a wonderful thing, right? You can feel it and then you can see it as an opportunity to build your confidence on. By overcoming it. And, and so many people I think make the mistake of feeling fear and then avoiding it. But when you avoid it, you are actually avoiding an opportunity to build your confidence, right?
And so when people ask, you know, like, oh, how are you so confident about X, Y, Z? It's like, well, confidence comes from. Seeking out the fear and overcoming the fear. It doesn't come. Confidence will never come from avoiding fear. And so yeah, fear is to be controlled and overcome, not avoided. And just to round off this episode, it also really helps to think about like, what is available for you on the other side of your fear.
You know, what kind of person do you then get to be? as a result of having conquered that. And I was just reading through my diary entry on, on this particular day, and I was just so proud of myself because I never thought that I could just like pick up a motorcycle and ride it and ride through so many sketchy roads, gravel roads, pot holes and whatnot.
All of these difficult. And I picked up riding so fast by throwing myself in the deep end and I thought, man, like if I can tackle this level of motorbike riding on day two with zero lessons and only YouTube videos, I can do fucking anything like 2023, you know, fucking bring it on. And all that stress I felt that morning melted away.
I was like, I've got this. I back. I can focus. I can reach my goals. I can do hard things right? And I thrive on overcoming difficult challenges. I thrive on feeling the fear and doing it anyway. They make me stronger. They make me more adaptable, more skilled. I learn faster. Like I am powerful. I am strong.
I've got. So for anyone out there who is really wanting to learn something, maybe it's motorcycling, maybe it's free diving, maybe it's starting your own business. Maybe it's you know, going on that six month travel or what trip around the world that you've always wanted to do, but you're feeling a little bit of fear around it.
You're feeling fear of being lonely or fear of it not working out or something, you know, like whatever your fear is, it's so. But also know that you have so much power over it. And that, you know, like just imagine like who do you get to be on the other side of that fear, right? And do you want to meet that person?
And so that is where I'll leave this. Thank you so much for listening to my passionate rambles and musings on fear, and I hope you found somewhat some parts of it helpful. It certainly helped me a lot and I just feel really grateful to be able to have a platform to, to share my musings and to share the things that I learned.
So I really appreciate you listening and I can't wait to share more with you. Until next time, my beautiful friends…
